Welcome to the CPL blog where we bring leading-edge thinking and stories of purpose in action. You can count on learnings and brilliance gleaned from our work with Purposeful Leaders around the globe. As authors of The Art of Convening™, we explore how convening brings your purpose alive.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Read MoreEdward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Read MoreEdward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Read MoreFinding your inner climate leadership
Read MoreEdward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Read MoreThrough the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
Read MoreMusings from Richard Leider
What Richard’s essay reminds us of is why leadership practices like The Art of Convening can make a difference in every setting…
[Next week: An Incomplete Manifesto of Purpose]
“Enough about me! What do you think about me?”
****************
If you have the tendency to make every conversation about you, you might be a “conversational narcissist” and not even be aware. Fortunately, I’m becoming increasingly aware of my own “c.n.” tendencies. I’m not always the listener that I pretend to be with others. But, I’m working on it! How about you?
The term “conversational narcissist” was coined by sociologist Charles Derber and describes the trait of consistently turning a conversation back to yourself. A balanced conversation involves both sides but conversational narcissists tend to keep the focus on themselves. The tendency is so habitual, that they don’t even notice (or care) when the listener tunes them out or rolls their eyes.
Most likely you’ve had this experience at times. It’s also likely that you’ve done this as well, but weren’t aware you were doing it. In Derber’s book, The Pursuit of Attention, he reports on researchers observing how conversationalists competed for attention. He describes conversational narcissism as “the key manifestation of the attention-getting psychology in America.” And, he claims that “it occurs in informal conversations among friends, family, and co-workers!”
Do you know any conversational narcissists?
You most likely have at least a few people in your life who seem to talk about themselves ad nauseum, showing little curiosity about what you have to offer. Ever. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance coupled with constant craving for attention and affirmation. Does anyone particular come to mind?
Conversational narcissists enjoy hearing themselves talk. It doesn’t matter if you talk about your greatest feat or greatest fear, it always comes back to them. Somehow, they always circle back to their story. They don’t intend to be rude. But, they blindly seem to get caught up in their own dramas.
Erich Fromm writes in The Art of Being – “Narcissism is an orientation in which all one’s interest and passion are directed to one’s own person: one’s body, mind, feelings, interests. For the narcissistic person, only he and what concerns him are fully real; what is outside, what concerns others, is real only in a superficial sense of perception… He is the world.”
Maybe they just lack EQ (Emotional Intelligence). Or, maybe they simply don’t care or have much curiosity about you even though they might politely pretend to be listening to you. After all, they wouldn’t want to be seen as totally self-absorbed.
Who me?
Here are three signs that you might have some conversational narcissist tendencies:
You always seem to have a “better” story! Whatever they have done, you have done better. Too nice to tell you the truth, they might just avoid you altogether.
You try to relate their story to something in your life! You wait for your opening to jump in and steal their thunder, bringing the conversation back to where it rightly belongs – on you!
You don’t think people have much of interest to share. But, the truth is that you really just never let them! If you’re often leaving conversations thinking that others are boring, there’s a distinct probability that you just didn’t give them the space to get more than ten words in edgewise.
Are you interested or interesting?
Here’s a simple example of conversational narcissism:
Tom: “I didn’t get any sleep last night!”
Richard: “Really? I slept great! Have you considered getting a Select Comfort mattress? It’s really great… (“blah, blah, blah…”)
A conversational narcissist can quickly throw cold water on a conversation simply by not asking questions. Questions like: “Tom, were you worrying about something?” “Tell me more.” “What else is keeping you awake at night?” It’s fine to share things about yourself. But, the “golden rule” is simply to not jump in too early with your story.
You might genuinely feel that you’re interested. But, often the reality is that you were more interested in being interesting. And, most likely, you were really only catching keywords as you were thinking up your next line. In the meantime, you use filler words like: “Really?” “Oh, yeah!” “Uh-huh!” “Hmmm” “That’s interesting” or, “I get it!”
My story, Your story.
According to Derber, a healthy conversation is one where there’s a natural back-and-forth flow of ideas. It’s like a game of table tennis (ping pong), where the rhythm is steady with some pauses between points. Each player must contribute to keeping the ball in play.
In a healthy conversation, it would be a rhythm of “my story, your story.” If you keep pounding the ball for winners, it can throw the whole game off. A healthy conversation is cooperative, not competitive.
When I was in graduate school in counseling psychology, I memorized Carl Rogers #1 rule: “It’s the relationship itself that heals.” A counselor and a client must be in psychological contact. We must “be someone with” rather than “do something to” our client. Roger’s rule remains as relevant to me today as when it helped to shape the humanistic movement in psychology that he inspired back then.
Personally, I need to constantly remind myself that it isn’t my job to entertain people. I’m not their counselor. A great conversation isn’t the same as a speech or a lecture. It’s my job to both share and listen. And, I don’t want to miss the listening part!
Strategies for success.
So, what can you do to change the conversation? Here are three practices that I’m personally working on:
You can’t change them! So, give up trying, now! Silence is golden. Conversational narcissists don’t like silence. So, become more comfortable with “waiting.” Fran Leibowitz says, “The opposite of talking is not listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” How true for me. Here’s how I try “to wait.” I center myself by taking three deep breaths and then stay focused on my breathing (while maintaining eye contact).
Don’t expect too much! Set a time limit and end the conversation at that precise time, no matter what! Practice saying “No.” No is a complete sentence. Master the decline by not offering support statements! Just smile and enjoy lunch!
Become a conversational narcissist yourself! Really. Flip the conversation by asking this question: “Are you open to an assessment?” This usually stops people cold and opens the door for you to step in with your response, story, or point-of-view. It changes the game.
Richard Leider, founder of Inventure – The Purpose Company, is one of America’s preeminent executive-life coaches. He is ranked by Forbes as one of the “Top 5” most respected executive coaches, and by the Conference Board as a “legend in coaching.” Richard has written ten books, including three best sellers, which have sold over one million copies and have been translated into 20 languages. Repacking Your Bags and The Power of Purpose are considered classics in the personal development field. Richard’s PBS Special – The Power of Purpose – was viewed by millions of people across the U.S.
Richard Leider
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
[repost from 2019] This is Thanksgiving holiday week In the US. November is also Native American Heritage Month. Family, friends and neighbors may be gathering. This week, we invite you to practice the art of deep listening, as a way to connect or reconnect in new ways. We offer 3 practices and 2 exercises. Let us know how it goes!
Finding your inner climate leadership
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Through the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
In the back reaches of our professional mind, we know the people and relational aspects of business life have perplexed and stymied managers and leaders alike.
In our upcoming book, "Touchy Feely: The Soft Stuff is the Hard Stuff," we reveal the powerful and liberating truth that empathy and compassion along with vulnerability are not the weaknesses we've hoodwinked ourselves into believing, but are core strengths of successful leadership.
Below is an excerpt from an article from our friends at Korn Ferry that stimulated some related ideas. We look forward to hearing your thoughts.
October 16, 2017 | DANIEL GOLEMAN, Contributor, Korn Ferry Institute
We all know empathy matters in our personal relationships, but how does empathy matter for business? You need empathy to work effectively with other people, especially in sales and client management, on teams, and in leadership. Empathy is the core of the competencies in the relationship management domain of Emotional Intelligence, the basis for more complex relationship management skills, including influencing other people or having a positive impact, mentoring other people, managing conflict, inspiring them as a leader, and teamwork. Read more…
We are just beginning to understand why knowing your purpose is key to good leadership. So why is it surprising that empathy is a crucial business skill?
Through empathy your purpose comes alive because you can see best where to serve. When we realize that our success is tied to others’ success and that interdependence (empathy) is not a personal liability but strength, then watch and experience miracles to happen.
Our book, The Art of Convening offers a roadmap of how purpose shared can get you there.
#purpose #PurposefulLeadership #leadership #RichardLeider #ThePowerofPurpose #TheArtofConvening
Hard to believe it’s been a year since The Waters Senior Living hosted a Launch Reception for CPL! On November 1 we celebrated with Richard Leider, our Associates Team, the leadership of The Waters and other Twin Cities colleagues. It was a snowy night; we were so pleased so many made the trek! Thanks again for Katherine Todd’s introduction to her Leadership Team.
1 year later, as we what has become core to our work and daily practices is this how convening and purpose are integral to purposeful leadership. Convening creates a structure to connect to your purpose and be in authentic relationship with others, a core practice for purposeful leadership.
Scroll down for a livestream of remarks from CPL, The Waters leadership, and Richard Leider.
This past Wednesday, Center for Purposeful Leadership hosted its first reception welcoming over 45 colleagues. Our purpose was not only to convene and reconnect with colleagues but to introduce the CPL Team.
We were honored to have purpose leader Richard Leider speak on the Purpose Movement and Purpose Research and pleased to connect and convene with others to spread the voice of what Center for Purposeful Leadership stands for.
The Waters leadership embodies purposeful leadership. Thank you to Kyle Didier, Lynn Carlson Schell, Katherine Todd and The Waters for hosting, and to those who attended.
Gathering with so many thought leaders from the Twin Cities truly shows the great direction purposeful leadership is headed. CPL is honored and excited to have you on this journey with us!
#purpose #PurposefulLeadership #leadership #RichardLeider #ThePowerofPurpose #TheArtofConvening
by Patricia Neal
Qualitative research plays a unique role in CPL’s Whole Person Leadership for Women program. Faculty member and Qualitative Research Specialist Claudia Eisinger of Fifth Element Associates has created powerful results integrating research into the program.
Core to Whole Person Leadership for Women (WPL) is the concept of “From Where You Lead”: Who are you as a leader? What are your leadership values and principles? What is your purpose and how do you share it?
Whole person
leadership
for women
The role of research in the WPL program is as a deep listening and reflecting tool to help you connect to and nurture what matters to you. When you are connected more fully to your purpose you are able to connect more genuinely with and bring out best in others, creating a wider, collective and culturally beneficial impact.
Through individual participant interviews and synthesis of each program session, Claudia identified patterns and trends of the individual and collective journey of the WPL cohort. A potent example of a research insight about the program is reflected below.
If you are a woman leader who wants to be more authentic and powerful in your various leadership roles: at home, at work and in your communities, we’d love to have you join us. The next cohort begins in October. Learn more here.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
[repost from 2019] This is Thanksgiving holiday week In the US. November is also Native American Heritage Month. Family, friends and neighbors may be gathering. This week, we invite you to practice the art of deep listening, as a way to connect or reconnect in new ways. We offer 3 practices and 2 exercises. Let us know how it goes!
Finding your inner climate leadership
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Through the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
Photo credit: Patricia Neal 2017
by Patricia Neal
Tend & Befriend: Back in 2007 I read an article about a 2003 UCLA study where researchers identified a critical difference between the sexes…how we manage stress. I began to ask new questions about leadership and representation and wrote an article that led me to co-found a women's leadership retreat with Vonda Vaden Bates: When Women Lead.
The questions that led me to create When Women Lead are still relevant today and led me to create Whole Person Leadership for Women in 2017. I invite you to read the article and consider joining us for the next Whole Person Leadership for Women cohort this Fall.
“I wondered what is the expression that is needed to create leadership that brings wholeness? What is the world that we want to see for ourselves, women and men, and our children? And how do we get there?
I felt it was time for women to step forward in our real power, which is being who we truly are. Who we are as feminine leaders is that we are humans first; we come from and can act from wholeness that recognizes that.
In 2003 UCLA researchers identified a critical difference between the sexes…how we manage stress. Early baseline studies on stress and human behavior were conducted predominantly on men. This study established a new baseline: Females respond to stressful situations by protecting themselves (and their young) through nurturing behaviors (‘tending”), and by friendship, forming alliances with a larger social group (“befriending”). In other words, the traditional “fight-or-flight” explanation may be inaccurate when it comes to women.
I began to challenge all assumptions as to how the world functions and how I can make a difference. I had spent my life overriding natural tendencies of behavior and leadership. I began to look for models and allies that could help me grow into the leadership that is naturally mine: leadership from the perspective of wholeness versus authority-over.
As you probably know, many women have gathered, in our communities and organizations, all over the world, forming alliances for social change, doing business together. This still-emergent movement is quietly, persistently changing the world as we learn to author our lives.”
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
[repost from 2019] This is Thanksgiving holiday week In the US. November is also Native American Heritage Month. Family, friends and neighbors may be gathering. This week, we invite you to practice the art of deep listening, as a way to connect or reconnect in new ways. We offer 3 practices and 2 exercises. Let us know how it goes!
Finding your inner climate leadership
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Through the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
Photo credit: Craig Neal 2017
by Patricia and Craig Neal
In Spring of 2017, Rachel Harris, MAOL, a trusted Heartland colleague since 2012, left to run for City of St. Louis Park City Council. In November 2017, SHE WON and is now the Ward 3 Council person!! Lucky them! Even though it's been over a year, it is never too late to give a proper send-off and honor her. Joel Hodroff of Scryp.io and DualCurrency recommended Rachel to us — was he spot on! Rachel was a joy to work with for five years. We learned so much from her as a Systemic Change Facilitator, Policy wonk, and Strategic thinker, but also as one who holds a big vision for kindness, equity, collaboration and all boats rising in our organizations and communities.
We say goodbye, and a big thank you, to Sarah Flores, our trusty marketing and social media intern for 1-1/2 years. Sarah helped build and grow a structure for our marketing outreach as we rebranded from Heartland Inc. to Center for Purposeful Leadership a year and half ago. Sarah graduated from the University of Iowa in May and recently moved to Denver for exciting new work with Insight Global.
We welcome Anna Patterson, our new marketing and social media intern. Anna has helped expand our social media game, while keeping an eye on on our marketing program. Anna is a Senior at UW Madison, completing her degree in Strategic Communication and Political Science next May.
Many thanks to Daniel Scotton, a most excellent summer CPL intern, who has guided the visual design and technical buildout of our new blog. His creative leadership and willingness to work hand and hand with us allowed the blog rebuild to be completed in record time. Daniel is completing his degree in Philosophy and International Business at Hamline University. We are grateful for his willingness to dive in to grow his expertise and teach us a lot of new tricks!
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
[repost from 2019] This is Thanksgiving holiday week In the US. November is also Native American Heritage Month. Family, friends and neighbors may be gathering. This week, we invite you to practice the art of deep listening, as a way to connect or reconnect in new ways. We offer 3 practices and 2 exercises. Let us know how it goes!
Finding your inner climate leadership
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Through the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
Photo Credit: Craig Neal | 2013 | Bde Maka Ska
What you can count on is attention to why purpose matters, and why purpose-shared is the ultimate leadership expression for yourself and on behalf of others. We will continue to post interviews with and essays from thought leaders in the realm of purposeful leadership. (see Archives in the right column)
You can participate, too! Send us your stories of sharing your purpose. How has sharing your purpose made a difference in your life, organization or family? We are collecting interviews and stories as an inspiration for others. Email Patricia with your ideas.
Many thanks to Daniel Scotten, a most excellent summer CPL intern, who has guided the design and technical buildout of the blog.
Today we joined for our 97th Essential Conversation. This past week’s Essential Conversation was heavy, tearful, difficult, and necessary. This conversation continues a powerful sensing into the horrors of war and the heart it takes to find ways to heal.
Today marked our 98th Essential Conversations. We invited back our conversation starters from last week Tatiana Riabokin, DC and Katherine Curran to share more reflections. We gathered for the Hearth to slow down and go deeper into our conversation on the Ukrainian Crisis. We hold the people of Ukraine and all the refugees in our hearts today.
Today we joined for our 97th Essential Conversation. This past week’s Essential Conversation was heavy, tearful, difficult, and necessary. This conversation continues a powerful sensing into the horrors of war and the heart it takes to find ways to heal.
Today we joined for our 95th Essential Conversation. Following last weeks conversation we welcome back our guest conversation starter from Rwanda; Jeremy Solomons. Today we took time to breathe, reflect, slow down and dive deeper into our conversations.
As we reach the end of the current month highlighting Black History and Futures, we are met with a time of uncertainty and fear surrounding the growing turmoil between Russian and Ukrainian borders. For this reason we began this 94th Essential Conversation with “This Joy” by The Resistance Revival Choir, a reminder that joy is an act of resistance against the pain, hatred, and inhumanity we find plaguing our world. Upon convening, we examined as a group, “How do you bring peace, joy, and love in the midst of ongoing disruption?” The responses included small acts of personal preservation such as going outside, meditation and prayer, or receiving a hug.
Designing “ultimate virtual dinner party”... What would be your recipe? People are hungering for “courageous conversations.” Imagine a great dinner party: What questions would you create and people would you invite?
What if the questions are uncomfortable? What questions would you ask a family member and/or best friend that may be different verses meeting someone for the first time?
Why a dinner party? What better way to plan a great conversation. Why today? What better day to talk about purpose than on Valentine’s Day, the day of love! Anthony Douglas Williams reminds us, “Our purpose is simple… to love; to love each other, to love all life, and to love our Earth.” But let’s not stop there.
by Patricia Neal
Richard Leider
Last week Craig and I met with Richard Leider. We reviewed the binder of materials covered in the recent Whole Person Leadership for Women. We are actualizing purpose work in innovative ways such as via the Napkin Test (Richard's), WPL Leadership Blueprint & Challenge, Purpose Statement and Purpose Plan.
Living your purpose is visceral for Richard. He had a challenge for us to consider: If purpose is about growing and giving, how are we using our Purpose Statements to grow and give every day.? How does my Purpose Statement help me organize my day? What are the benchmarks? At the end of the day, what is the measure of expression.
He is a believer of first thing in the am, before anything else, to take a moment and focus on purpose. Last thing at night, review the day.
For instance, my purpose statement is: “Bringing people together for positive impact for all boats to rise.” At the grocery store, at work, wherever I am.
He asked: in the morning, upon awakening do I imagine who I will be connecting?
In the evening, can I recall my impact? Or how many boats have risen?
Oh boy! That conversation has helped be narrow my focus to more fully express my purpose.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
[repost from 2019] This is Thanksgiving holiday week In the US. November is also Native American Heritage Month. Family, friends and neighbors may be gathering. This week, we invite you to practice the art of deep listening, as a way to connect or reconnect in new ways. We offer 3 practices and 2 exercises. Let us know how it goes!
Finding your inner climate leadership
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Through the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
The first happened in 1964, when Mandela was put on trial for sabotage and conspiracy to overthrow the state. The second is the speech Mandela gave in 1994 when he was inaugurated as president.
by Patricia Neal
Two Mandela Speeches That Made History
Today is my birthday! I am honored to share it with many amazing people, not the least of whom is Nelson Mandela. I speak in the present tense because, today, almost 3 years after his passing, his spirit is alive and strong. His purpose was so clear—to create a free society in which all are valued for their humanity—that it lives strong in the hearts of many, fueling vision and right action on behalf of others. As Richard Leider notes, purpose is about serving something larger than yourself. Purpose-shared is always the goal.
Join me in being inspired to live larger than our selves, with right action, on behalf of a freedom that values each human for their gifts and presence.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
[repost from 2019] This is Thanksgiving holiday week In the US. November is also Native American Heritage Month. Family, friends and neighbors may be gathering. This week, we invite you to practice the art of deep listening, as a way to connect or reconnect in new ways. We offer 3 practices and 2 exercises. Let us know how it goes!
Finding your inner climate leadership
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.
Through the magic of Zoom rooms*, you can self-select to choose the focus that interests you for a "deeper dive" conversation.
![[Hearth] Voices from Ukraine: Part 2](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/58a4e3be9de4bb98b066fd6f/1647955546471-VUGA4FCGFEUYJ29TEQVA/sunforest-mix-sunflower-types-1586794598.jpeg)
…this idea of worthiness, that struggle we go through as a nation, happens all the time.
Edward Dugger III, president of Reinventure Capital and an early pioneer in impact investing, explores the intersection between the venture capital community and racial equity.